You made me SO happy for being here again. Thank you for supporting my dream and passion.
Remember in the third video of my three parts video series? I need you to write down exactly how you feel right after you have a binge impulse. That is the how to understand our emotion and thinking patterns. It is the most crucial step to break up with bulimia.
What came out of your heart? Anger? Sadness? Or just an intense feeling that took you over like a tornado? I remember that feeling so vividly. I felt I was swirling, tumbling around in this fierce emotional tornado. It seemed like everything in life is distorted and disoriented. Can not see a way out, and I ask myself am I going to stuck in this forever?
I have a personal story that I want to share with you. A year before I came to The US. I went on an arrangement date that my mom set up for me when I was 25. The guy is by social status successful. He seemed quiet and polite. On the second date, he sexually harassed me.
I came home didn't know if I should tell my mom. She was really good at putting me on guilt trips. My heart felt like it cracked and about to shatter into million pieces. The only thing I wanted was to have her arm around me and tell me I am safe. The desire for seeking this comfort, even just a tiny bit made me talk to her. However, I didn't get that comfort. Instead, she got so angry at me and told me that it happened because the way I dressed. Like always, It was all because of me. Even though I somehow already prepared for that reaction, my tears still flooding down like spring waterfall. I run out the house with the emotional explosion blast inside of my body. I felt my heart was torn up.
I didn't know what was going on inside of me. I didn't know there is a way out. But There is. It was always there. I would never think I will get out of this emotional turmoil safe and sound. But I did it! YOU WILL TOO! With one condition: get to know your emotions. Truly understand them.
You may ask what do you mean to understand them? I know how I feel; I feel angry, feel sad.
Anger, sadness the painful feeling we feel are only the iceberg of our vast ocean of emotions.
They are the spiky emotions that protect us from feeling vulnerable. We were once maybe many times being vulnerable when we were little or when we were open-hearted. Perhaps the person wasn't sensitive enough to notice your heart. Or perhaps the situation was too harsh that you retreat to your safe place. And then the soft heart was buried, suppressed under the bottom of the ocean of emotions. The raw emotions under the iceberg are the truth. Sometimes anger and sadness are the protect colors for disappointment, shame, feeling unloved, unworthy, guilt, regret.....
Now I know, the explosion inside of me was the mix of feelings of unloved, distrustful, guilt and unworthy. I also understand why my mom got angry at me. Becuase she was just like me, a wounded person. Using anger to protect her vulnerable, raw feeling. She was feeling embarrassed. Because she couldn't protect me from the person, she introduced to me in the first place. She was feeling attacked because I couldn't speak my truth to her. I accused her. She never wanted this to happen to me, to her daughter.
I need you to sit with your emotions and look for what is behind the turmoil. Don't be afraid. You are safe, you always are! Seems like our emotions are like vicious dogs that bark, bite and chase. We are doing our best to running away from them. But you know what? They are chasing you because they want to be identified, they need to be given a name by you. It's like you put a leash on the emotion dog once you give it a name.
Have you ever saw a dog reunions with its owner after years of separation? It can be intense because it will take you back to the moment when you were hurt for the first time. Cry or scream do whatever you need to get it out of your heart. You will feel your heart is expanding. Light and clear than ever. Because all the heavy metal chain and locks we put on our heart start to unlock.
In case you need a bit assistance. I made a list of names of all raw emotions.
You have that key in your hand! UNLOCK IT NOW!